Rambling

I've got so much to say but never know were to begin, it always seems like one thing after another. here I've got a man I love, the father of my children, someone I want to be with for the rest of my life, but yet I don't think he cares, feels the same way or is open to letting me in. I have been with him just over 3 years 4 months but it seems like were drifting apart or I'm being thrown in the corner. He says all these things bout females and how they lie and things like that. Yet I'm a female so does that mean he looks at me that way. It's always the same conversations being brought up and the same outcome almost all the time. Me ending up in tears. Like today he talks about my money and asks were its all going because he doesn't see anything I'm buying, yet it is easy to look at my statements and see exactly were its going. He talks about girls lying that they are on there cycle yet I can show him but he doesn't want to see. Its not my fault I bleed when I do or I discharge when I do. I am on a birth control that is new to me and also my body and no matter how many times I call the doctor they will tell me the same thing. I feel like I'm paying for everything all these females have done, yet I am the one standing by his side while he has done the things he has and lord knows if he is still doing them. I'm the one who works then comes home and make sure we have a clean house, I try cook as much as I can to make sure him and the kids eat well. I try keep things in order, yet I feel I'm STILL not good enough for this man. I don't know what more I can do to prove to him he is who I want to be with and spend the rest of my life with. Like I said its always one thing after another. Am I a bad person for spending money here and there because I want my kids to have the things I never did. Am I wrong for buying my daughter probably more toys than she needs because I love to see the look on her face and her so happy when she does play with them. Am I wrong for loving a man so much that I tend to loose myself and do what I can to make sure he is happy. Yet am I sacrificing my own happiness because I am to concerned on what is going on with him and taking all the foolery he says to heart. NOT because I am doing the things he says, but because this is a man I love and his opinion of me, his opinion in general really matters to me. If he sits there and calls females h*es and says how they lie and are sneaky, are you talking about me because I am a female. Yet a male sleeps around and its perfectly fine when he has a woman at home who is willing to do anything for him. I feel like I'm in a game and there's no way out, yet even if I had the key I wouldn't use it (doesn't make sense) I feel no matter what I do I will never be good enough for this man and he expects so much from me yet I am supposed to deal with how he is or I can hit the door. How is the man I love turning into someone I feel I don't know, or someone who I feel doesn't care for me. I love this man, i truly do and I don't plan on ever leaving him. I feel its wrong for me for wanting to spend time with him, yes we live together, but that doesn't mean we spend time together. We used to have Thursdays as "our day" were we would just relax and chill, watch a movie, I cook, just something to where we are together and he said that would always be our day. Now he started working, Thursday is just another "normal" day. It would be nice if he would have said okay you can have Friday, or even Saturday. Just one day is all I ask for, one day to spend time, I mean real time with me. One day I can feel appreciated for the things I do. Now don't get me wrong this man has done so much to help me and build me into a better and stronger woman. But when that man who has did that is also the one who can break me, I don't like that. This man is something else, that's all I can really say because after everything it seems there's always a new reason for why whatever is going on is going on. I'm ready to take this test to prove to him that I don't need to lie to him, yet when it gets brought up its another way he can speak negative and say things he doesn't need to. I hope after this test he will open his eyes and see whats in front of him. I'm not saying I'm the best person in the world or even perfect because I'm not, but also I'm not doing the things he says females do and I've not slept around or anything like that, while him on the other hand has these perfect "excuses" for why he does/did the things he did.
I don't know I just needed to let some things out, I have no one to talk to and even if I did I wouldn't know where to begin with everything that's going on inside my head. I just wish one day I can be with this man or should I say he can be with me and he can truly know I'm not these other females, I am myself and the shit I go through with him and for him isn't for no reason. I want to be with this man and I want him to be with me and ONLY me. I guess that's to much for me to ask after these years though. Even for our 3 year he brought me a ring which he took back for some odd reason, but hay, he brought it so its his right. I don't even want to keep rambling because I feel like I can go on forever and still wouldn't get nowhere.
When its good, I mean its good. When its bad, its bad and it takes what seems like forever to get back! UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH