Weekend Recap

Thursday
I got of work and was happy because I didn't have to go back to work until Sunday night. Marlan picked me up and wasn't talking to me for whatever reason he made up in his head. I got a little sleep but had to be up for the most part with the kids while Marlan was at work and his little brother in school.
I had my CPR class that I had to do for my program I will be taking this month. they said it would be from 6pm - 10pm, but we got out around 8pm which was a good thing. I got to go home and spend some time with the kids and make a little something to eat. We went to bed pretty early today because Marlan had to work ... By the end of the night he was talking to me a little lol

Friday
I had to drop Marlan of at work so I could have the car because Malan had her 2 year old doctors appointment. I was pretty tired though still but it was cool. Everything went well at the doctors and Malan is growing and is healthy all over. Malan now weighs 31 pound 10 oz, 36 inches long, and her head circumference is 48cm. Malan also had to get her hemoglobin level checked which came back good. Malan was pretty mad because she was due to get a shot, she had her 2nd hep A and cried for like 2 seconds. After that she was fine. On the ride home she went to sleep in the car (I don't know what it is but her and the baby always go to sleep after getting their shots.
Today I also got some cleaning done, A LOT. I deep cleaned our whole apartment which took me all day. I would have finished a lot earlier but with two children who need constant attention it was pretty hard and I would take breaks because I had to do other things. I was happy by the end of the night because I knew I could relax all day tomorrow and not worry about cleaning up to much.

Saturday
Today seemed like it went by rather quickly. I hung out with Marlan and the kids. Marlan wanted to spend some time with me and watch "Hot Tub Time Machine" before he went out later on. As much as I talked sh*t about not wanting to watch the DVD because I have seen it so many times, I still did and I enjoyed it lol. Today I also sewed Malan a skirt, which turned out really good for my first attempt. With the rest of the material I will be making me a dress. All I really have to do is fit the dress to my size because I ended up buying the original dress from goodwill because I liked the print on the fabric and used the bottom part to make Malans skirt. Marlan said that's what me and her can wear when we all take family pictured for baby Marlans 6 months. That would be nice because its something I made. Also today baby Marlan pulled himself up using the couch, me and Marlan was so shocked and he was just standig there laughing. This little boy is growing up so quick and continues to amaze us everyday.

Sunday
HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!!! Today was a "normal" day, nothing special or different. Well I cant say nothing special because everyday I spend with my children is special :)
Marlan was sick (Self inflicted) which added to my emotional state I was already in and how mad I was at him. I spent time with Malan and baby Marlan and ended up finishing little Nates jacket (Marlans little brother). It turned out really nice but I had to change the studs because when I bleached it, like a fool I left studs on there and they changed color so I had to take them off and put new ones on. After I finished that I ended up laying down to sleep which was around 5pm and by the time I woke up it was almost 9pm (when I had to be getting up foo work).

Overall the weekend was nice. Filled with so many mixed emotions ...

Rambling

I've got so much to say but never know were to begin, it always seems like one thing after another. here I've got a man I love, the father of my children, someone I want to be with for the rest of my life, but yet I don't think he cares, feels the same way or is open to letting me in. I have been with him just over 3 years 4 months but it seems like were drifting apart or I'm being thrown in the corner. He says all these things bout females and how they lie and things like that. Yet I'm a female so does that mean he looks at me that way. It's always the same conversations being brought up and the same outcome almost all the time. Me ending up in tears. Like today he talks about my money and asks were its all going because he doesn't see anything I'm buying, yet it is easy to look at my statements and see exactly were its going. He talks about girls lying that they are on there cycle yet I can show him but he doesn't want to see. Its not my fault I bleed when I do or I discharge when I do. I am on a birth control that is new to me and also my body and no matter how many times I call the doctor they will tell me the same thing. I feel like I'm paying for everything all these females have done, yet I am the one standing by his side while he has done the things he has and lord knows if he is still doing them. I'm the one who works then comes home and make sure we have a clean house, I try cook as much as I can to make sure him and the kids eat well. I try keep things in order, yet I feel I'm STILL not good enough for this man. I don't know what more I can do to prove to him he is who I want to be with and spend the rest of my life with. Like I said its always one thing after another. Am I a bad person for spending money here and there because I want my kids to have the things I never did. Am I wrong for buying my daughter probably more toys than she needs because I love to see the look on her face and her so happy when she does play with them. Am I wrong for loving a man so much that I tend to loose myself and do what I can to make sure he is happy. Yet am I sacrificing my own happiness because I am to concerned on what is going on with him and taking all the foolery he says to heart. NOT because I am doing the things he says, but because this is a man I love and his opinion of me, his opinion in general really matters to me. If he sits there and calls females h*es and says how they lie and are sneaky, are you talking about me because I am a female. Yet a male sleeps around and its perfectly fine when he has a woman at home who is willing to do anything for him. I feel like I'm in a game and there's no way out, yet even if I had the key I wouldn't use it (doesn't make sense) I feel no matter what I do I will never be good enough for this man and he expects so much from me yet I am supposed to deal with how he is or I can hit the door. How is the man I love turning into someone I feel I don't know, or someone who I feel doesn't care for me. I love this man, i truly do and I don't plan on ever leaving him. I feel its wrong for me for wanting to spend time with him, yes we live together, but that doesn't mean we spend time together. We used to have Thursdays as "our day" were we would just relax and chill, watch a movie, I cook, just something to where we are together and he said that would always be our day. Now he started working, Thursday is just another "normal" day. It would be nice if he would have said okay you can have Friday, or even Saturday. Just one day is all I ask for, one day to spend time, I mean real time with me. One day I can feel appreciated for the things I do. Now don't get me wrong this man has done so much to help me and build me into a better and stronger woman. But when that man who has did that is also the one who can break me, I don't like that. This man is something else, that's all I can really say because after everything it seems there's always a new reason for why whatever is going on is going on. I'm ready to take this test to prove to him that I don't need to lie to him, yet when it gets brought up its another way he can speak negative and say things he doesn't need to. I hope after this test he will open his eyes and see whats in front of him. I'm not saying I'm the best person in the world or even perfect because I'm not, but also I'm not doing the things he says females do and I've not slept around or anything like that, while him on the other hand has these perfect "excuses" for why he does/did the things he did.
I don't know I just needed to let some things out, I have no one to talk to and even if I did I wouldn't know where to begin with everything that's going on inside my head. I just wish one day I can be with this man or should I say he can be with me and he can truly know I'm not these other females, I am myself and the shit I go through with him and for him isn't for no reason. I want to be with this man and I want him to be with me and ONLY me. I guess that's to much for me to ask after these years though. Even for our 3 year he brought me a ring which he took back for some odd reason, but hay, he brought it so its his right. I don't even want to keep rambling because I feel like I can go on forever and still wouldn't get nowhere.
When its good, I mean its good. When its bad, its bad and it takes what seems like forever to get back! UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH